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From Sefer Kavanos Halev, By Moshe at ilovetorah.com

Ahavas Yisrael, Loving ones Fellow Jew Edited Chapter:

The Holy One, blessed be He, said, ‘My beloved children, do I lack anything that I have to ask you for it? All I ask is that you love and honor each other. Nothing more!’ (Tanna de’Bei Eliyahu Rabbah 26)

   The root of the word shalom – peace - is shalaim - whole, complete. Why do people fight against others? It is because they are not whole or at peace within themselves. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ implies not one command, but two, in specific sequence. One can only come to love others if they first love themselves. Animosity towards others is self-hatred turned outward. First make yourself whole, find inner peace. You will then come to love your neighbor and be at one with your fellow man.[1]   

    The Nikolsburg Rebbe, one of the greatest tzaddikim of this generation, constantly speaks about the importance of shalom among the Jewish people. The Kalaver Rebbe once spoke to me about shalom, saying that all the proper pathways arrive at the same destination.

   The exploration for peace must be twofold: within the Jewish people as a whole and within each individual. Every person must resolve conflicts that exist between the different parts of his character. He must acquire a harmonious attitude toward his life experiences, so that he doesn’t view them in either a positive or negative light: he will find Hashem in everything. Through Torah and the tzaddikim, both of which are called ‘peace’, each person can attain this harmony and feel love for Hashem and his fellow Jew. In this way, peace will extend throughout the Jewish people.[2]

   Without loving ones fellow Jew, a person cannot truly love Hashem. The Baal Shem Tov used to say that love of the Jewish people is identical to love of Hashem. “You are children unto Hashem your Creator.” (Deuteronomy 14:1). When one loves their father, naturally one loves their children.[3] Conversely, “if you do not respect your parents, your children will not respect you.”[4]  

   Each of us wants to feel loved and cared for by others. Many of us are searching for love, whether through marriage, friendship or even a brief encounter in the street. A person’s face should always be radiant, and he should receive every one with a pleasant countenance.[5] Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai always greeted others before they had the opportunity to greet him, even in the market place. This was a gesture of Ahavas Yisrael. 

   Beyond the basics that are required for the body to survive, each of us needs sustenance for our souls, which varies with each individual. Some of us need understanding and acceptance, some seek sympathy, while others need empathy. Much of this should be found within us but there is a lack of it from those around us. When our reserves of self-love run low, we need to be able to count on those close to us to give us a needed boost. Even though I’ve made mistakes, Hashem was there to hold me. There is no place I can fall that Hashem wouldn’t be there to pick me up. The same applies to a true mortal friend. What is a friend? A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them, when it really counts. “Two are better than one, for if one of them falls, the other will lift up his fellow. Woe to the single one, for he has no companion to lift him up.”[6] When I am at my lowest point, I don’t need someone else to scrutinize my actions. I will recover better with a supportive ear and a verbal pat on the back than with judgment and criticism.

   What is ahavah? In the literal sense, it means love and endearment, but its true meaning is much deeper than that. Its gematria (numerical value) equals 13[7]. The Torah commands us, “Love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Hashem.” (Leviticus 19:18). Two people who love one another become joined through their love. The ahavah, 13 of one partner, joined with the ahavah, 13 of the other partner, become 26, which equals the gematria of Hashem’s four-letter name YKVK.[8] Where man joins his fellow man in love, Hashem chooses to dwell and make His presence felt.[9]

   Each of us wants to receive love that is one that is unconditional - no strings attached!  When love is given conditionally, if whatever the love is based upon ceases to exist, love ceases to exist. If the love is not dependent on some other factor, it never ceases to exist.[10] Hashem gives us this love. No matter what we do, He still loves us. “Hashem is good to all, and His mercy is upon all His creatures.” (Psalms 145:9). We honor Hashem when we show respect to His creatures. Therefore, a person should not abuse any being that exists, for all are made in Wisdom.[11] You should not uproot a plant unnecessarily; nor should you kill any living thing without cause.[12]

   Unconditional love is what we receive from our parents and, in turn, give to our children. We don’t say to our toddler, ‘if you’re a good boy, then I’ll love you.’ There may be times when we don’t like how our children behave, but they are always confident in our love for them. We all make mistakes; in fact, the Jewish nation has wronged their Creator over and over. Why has Hashem been so patient with us? He does not focus on our errors; He focuses on finding the good of His people. Shouldn’t we do the same with our fellow Jews?

   What do I want from friendship? I want to know that no matter what I do, you will never look down upon me. Whether I bag groceries or I’m a doctor, I want to know that you will support me. I want you to see into my heart and not be blinded by my exterior.  I don’t want you to judge me positively because Hashem blessed me with physical beauty. I don’t want you to judge me poorly because I’m overweight or have a disability. I want you to judge the real me, the one that is inside this superficial covering. Most importantly, I want you to remain my friend when we have differences of opinion. We do not always have to like the same things; we do not always have to dislike the same things. We can agree to disagree, still love each other and remain friends.

   Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach taught, “The question is not how much you love each other. Rather the question is how much you love one another when you hate each other.”[13] Love cannot be taught; it is a gift from heaven. We are taught to hate and this, we must unlearn. Love is the force that binds us together with our neighbor, our co-worker, millions of people we’ve yet to meet and those we will never meet. Let there to be love connecting us. We learned to love in Heaven, before we were born and we need to return to that pure, untarnished emotion.[14]  If we could envision a picture in our minds of all the people around the world and choose whom we want to love, would anyone be left out? Of course we have adversaries. Therefore we learn: “Who is a hero? Who is mighty? He who turns an enemy into a friend.”[15]

   The real significance of peace is to join opposites. You shouldn’t be troubled when you come across someone who is your exact opposite and whose thoughts are contrary to yours. Do not conclude that you will never be able to live harmoniously. The laws of physics dictate that opposites attract. If you see two individuals who are totally different, you should not decide it is inconceivable to make peace between them. On the contrary, absolute peace is achieved through the effort to make peace between opposites, just as Hashem makes peace in His high places between fire and water, which are opposing forces. The pathway to peace is to sanctify the name of Hashem, through complete self-sacrifice. Then it is possible to pray with genuine devotion.[16]

   A tzaddik who was not a follower of the Baal Shem Tov was once sitting alone in his study when he heard a knock at the door. “Come in”, the tzaddik called. A beggar entered with his knapsack on this back. “Shalom Aleichem”, he greeted the beggar. “What is a Jew’s name and where do you come from?” The beggar replied, “I am ashes and dust, that is my name. And who are you?” he asked the tzaddik. “I too am ashes and dust.” The beggar stated, “If we are both mere ashes and dust, why must there be controversy between us”? The tzaddik understood that his visitor was his now former adversary, none other then the Baal Shem Tov.[17] The holy Baal Shem Tov was saying to his fellow Jew, I don’t know how we became enemies. You are supposed to love me because we have one creator! “Why do people hate one another? Deep down they do not believe Hashem created them. If only it was clear to them that there is only one Hashem and that He created them, they would love each other.”[18] Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev explained, “The Torah completes the verse in Vayikra 19:18 ‘Love your fellow man,’ with the statement, ‘I am the A-mighty.’ This is to impart to us that we are to love others as ourselves because we all have one Creator. Therefore, we should feel the happiness of others and, similarly, empathize with their misfortunes. Herein is the essence of all of our obligations towards our fellow man.”[19]

   Rabbi Akiva had twenty-four thousand students who all died within a short time because they failed to honor one another properly.[20] Each of the students was a talmud chochum (Torah scholar) in his own right, yet they all lacked respect for Torah learning amassed by their fellow students. They created a chillul Hashem (desecration) when others viewed their lack of Ahavas Yisroel. They failed to fulfill the expectations of how men of their stature and learning should behave. B’nai Yisroel merited receiving the Torah because of the achdus (unity) they displayed at Mt. Sinai. We celebrate Shavuos when we ‘re-receive’ the Torah, every year. Since the students of Rabbi Akiva did not treat each other with respect, they did not merit living until Shavuos.

   All Jews are kin to one another, for their souls include one another. In each soul, there is a component of every other soul. Therefore, a person should always wish his fellow well and regard any good that comes to his fellow’s lot with pleasure. His fellow’s honor should be as important to him as his own, for in truth it is his own. It is for this reason we were commanded, “love thy neighbor as thyself.”[21],[22] We must work on acquiring proper sensitivity towards others, as it does not come naturally.[23] The Chazon Ish once advised, “For a person to be able to feel the suffering of others he must first train himself to do everything he can to help them and to save them from suffering. These types of actions will affect his emotions. In addition, he should pray for the welfare of others even if at initially he does not actually feel their anguish.”[24] The Rabbi of Hornosteipel, once said, “If any of my chassidim experience pain, even in the tip of his little finger, I feel that pain myself.” Rabbi Dovid of Lelov had a son who was, at a time, gravely ill. The community, who loved the Rabbi and his son dearly, gathered together in order to say Tehillim that he should regain his health. When the young boy started showing signs of recovery, they ran to Rabbi Dovid to tell him the good news. Upon hearing the news, he began to cry. Taken aback by his outcry, they asked him, “the child is so much better, why are you crying?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, my son is better because people gathered together and offered up special prayers for him, donating large sums to charity. But let me ask you, what about other people’s children? When they become ill, the shul is not filled with people praying for their recovery. So why should I not cry?”

   Rabbi Dovid of Lelov truly cared about his fellow Jews. He would travel from town to town, going out of his way to greet his brothers, inquiring if there was anything he could do for them. He was an owner of a small shop with a meager income, yet even in business, his midos were impeccable. He was about to open his shop one day, when he noticed that, although customers were waiting outside his competitor’s store, it was still closed. Rabbi Dovid knew that if he opened his doors, the customers would come to him. Therefore, he ran to his competitor’s house calling him, “Hurry, there are customers at your store.” He understood that his income was predetermined and would come his way; he was not going to take advantage of his competitor oversleeping.[25]

   The Chofetz Chaim, the preeminent authority on proper speech, writes that even if someone does not say or do anything against another person, but merely refuses to talk to him, he violates the prohibition against hating others. Moreover, for every second that one feels hatred toward another person, one violates this prohibition.[26]

   “Man can catch sight of his reflection in water only when he bends down close to it. The heart of man, too, must lean toward the heart of his fellow, then it will see itself within his heart.”[27] When so many Jews have fallen, don’t you think they are waiting for you to be there for them, to lift them up back to Yiddisheit? They are screaming for help, but we’ve closed our ears and we just don’t hear them! All they want is to know is that when they have fallen from faith and traditions, we still love them. We must show them our love. The Baal Shem Tov once saw one of his followers kiss his little boy. He remarked, “I love the lowest and worst Jew in the world even more then you love your only son.”[28]

   With so many branches and sects of Judaism in our time, how does a person know where they belong and to how much ritual they should adhere? This is a difficult question to answer, considering how much controversy there is, not only between the various religions but also within the individual religions themselves. Judaism isn’t just a religion; it’s a way of life. We possess a special power to change the world and make a difference in the spiritual realms. We are, after all, G-D’s chosen people; with this designation comes responsibility. Being Jewish transcends each of us as individuals, but includes all the Jewish people and the entire world. If you have not discovered the special greatness of your soul, you will, through learning more of your roots and continuous study of our Torah. Reading this sefer (book) or any other that is geared at helping us reach a higher madreiga (spiritual level) is significant to our growth as Jews. As we grow in our knowledge and our adherence to religious ritual, we might think it necessary to separate ourselves from those who are less inclined toward Yiddishkeit. This is not necessary. Each of us can have a tremendous impact on others; by observing us, they can see that we become more loving, less judgmental, emulating the midos of Hashem.

   With so many pathways, how are we to know which one is right for us? One has to search their entire life, always seeking the best paths to follow. There is no one correct course, but there are many which follow the code of Jewish law, halacha. Some of our greatest sages wrote The Talmud so we would know how to follow the laws of the Torah. From the Talmud, Rabbi Yosef Caro wrote the Shulchan Aruch, which is followed by many commentaries such as the Mishna Berurah, by the Chafetz Chaim. Halacha is the foundation from which Judaism is built. Every country has laws by which its citizens must abide; we have the guidelines ordained by Chazal (our Sages), in their interpretation of Jewish law. Halacha was not created to put added stress into our lives, but it is a way, the only way, to come close to G-D. Rebbe Nachman says that the Shulchan Aruch is the main work a Jew should learn. Assimilation has affected so much of the Jewish population that most people do not conform with the basic code of Jewish law today. The Baal Teshuva movement has returned thousands of Jews from all walks of life back to their roots. Without a code of law, how would they know what rituals to follow?

    Reb Nachman once said that the Baal Shem Tov had achieved the holiness and purity of Moshe Rabbeinu. The Chazan Ish said we relate to the Gaon of Vilna as being in the line of Moshe Rabbeinu. Aren’t they both sitting with shalom together in Gan Eden (the Garden of Eden, considered as ‘Utopia’, where our souls go after departing this world)? These were both very holy Rabbis who, with their different ways of serving Hashem, remained in compliance with the code of Jewish law.

   Each of us is Hashem’s unique creation: Like snowflakes, no two of us are alike. As Jews, we are in the habit of labeling one another. Does the term Litvish, Chassidish, Conservative, or Reform define an individual? Are we too stubborn to explore the teachings of those that are different? Rabbi Taub of Baltimore told me that a Chassidish man with a short coat in Baltimore could reach a higher madreiga then one wearing a long coat in Israel. Why must we prejudge? Why must there be even the slightest confrontation and antagonism? Must we look at a Chassid with our predetermined notions of what a Chassid is like? Shall we view all Litvish Jews the same? Each of us is completely unique with special qualities that can be shared with everyone. Germany tore down the dividing wall long ago. We should be seeking the similarities that bring us together rather than the differences that tear us apart. It is time that we come together with one goal, to bring the Moshiach (Messiah). We must learn to look at one another with righteousness and be dan l’kaf z’chus – judge each person favorably.

   No one can single-handedly change the world; we have to do it together. Let us make a deal: First, we will love each other and together we will show others love. They in turn will show more love until it multiplies and reaches everyone. Since it has to start someplace, let it be with us, especially from the example we set for our children. A child cannot learn Ahavas Yisrael when they do not understand why their parents constantly fight. The real victims of the escalating divorce rate are the children who grow up in broken homes. How are they supposed to learn respect for others when their parents do not treat each other with respect? How are these same kids supposed to understand love when they do not live in a loving environment? Children live what they learn. If they only learn how to hate when they are home, what will they bring out into the world? Where there is peace in the home, the Shechinah resides.

   It is very important to not forget the honor due one’s parents. “Honor your father and mother in order that your days may be long upon the land which the Hashem your Hashem gives to you.” (Shemos 20:12).  As a young man, Rabbi Leib of Kelm once came home very late at night from the Bais Hamedrash. His parents had already gone to bed and he didn’t have a key with him. So as not to awaken them, he remained in the street all night despite the extreme cold.[29]  If you fail to properly honor your parents, then you will be deficient in your respect of Rabbanim. We learn that there are three partners in creation of man: Hashem, his father and mother. Chazal (the sages) taught that when a man honors his parents, it is as if he had brought down the Shechinah to dwell with them and honored Hashem. But whenever a man’s actions cause his parents to grieve, Hashem withholds His Presence so that He might not be grieved as well.” [30]       

   One should treat their Rebbeim with the utmost respect. One should show them that they appreciate their time, advice and Torah learning. Some Rebbes humble themselves more than usual to be friendly; it is vital that you take special care not to treat them as you would a peer. You have to respect them for there Torah learning and daas (knowledge). In Sefer Chasidim, it says, “Included in the mitzvah of loving Hashem is the mitzvah of loving a Torah scholar, who studies the word of Hashem.” The Talmud says, “A person who loves a Torah scholar will be blessed with children who will be Torah scholars.”[31] Rabbi Scheinberg entered the Bais Medrash one day and everyone stood up. He motioned to them to sit, but my friend was told he could continue to stand. When asked why, Rabbi Scheinberg replied, “When you stand up, you are honoring me for my Torah learning while they are standing to show me honor.”            

   We can learn a great deal about love and respect from tzaddikim. There are fifteen characteristics stated of a Torah scholar: stately in approach, saintly in sitting, subtle in wisdom, wise in act, knowing his place, rejoicing in his lot, not according credit to himself, assimilative [in intellect], retentive, reflective, asking and answering, listening and adding [something novel] to each matter [under discussion], paying attendance upon the sages, and learning for the sake of doing.[32]

   When looking for their bashert, (predestined marital partner), singles tend to look for someone like himself or herself. A real zivug (match) is a match between opposites. The purpose of marriage is to grow with your partner. You can’t grow if you don’t see what is missing inside you. The job of your partner is to help you find what you cannot see. Pushing, pulling, yelling, and putting your partner down aren’t the ways to show someone areas in which they need to improve. You have to use tact, brilliance and most of all, love. Most important, one must be patient, as no one can make changes overnight. Furthermore, while your partner is working on incorporating your suggested changes into their being, they are helping you discover your shortcomings and internalize those improvements. To properly appreciate a spouse or friend, you have to take time out to reflect. Everyday your spouse does hundreds of things for you that you don’t notice or appreciate. We may not be aware of some of the things our mate does for us. Especially when a couple has been together for a long time, they begin to take these small, unnoticed favors for granted and, as a result, take their mate for granted. We have to stop regularly and take notice. Just as we learn to thank Hashem for all He does for us, we have to learn to appreciate our partner in life. On his return from shul Friday night, Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv would not enter his home immediately, but would pause by the door and gaze at the set table and pleasant food his wife had prepared. He did this to feel grateful for all that she did for him.[33]

   While a couple is meant to help each other grow and improve, constantly correcting someone leads to an acrimonious relationship. The most successful technique is to change your own ways and then your partner will naturally do the same. If you don’t want chas v’ shalom a divorce, first improve your own midos; with patience, your spouse will want to please you back. It is important for Ahavas Yisrael to start in the home. If you cannot properly love your spouse and treat her with respect, then you are fooling yourself if you think you are treating others well. True chessed begins at home and extends beyond.

    Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said that when he first started learning mussar, he became angry at the world, but remained at peace within. As he studied further, he also became angry with himself. Finally, only the anger for him remained while his anger for others melted away and he became dan l’kaf zchus – judging others favorably. [34]

   Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev spotted a man greasing the wheels of his wagon while he was wearing his tallis and tefillin. Instead of being furious at this sacrilege, the Rabbi turned his eyes towards heaven and proclaimed, “See, Master of the World, how holy Your children are! Even when he is engaged in greasing his wheels, he nevertheless remembers to pray to You.” The person who judges his neighbor in the scale of merit is himself judged favorably [by Hashem].”[35] Reb Levi Yitzchok trained himself to be dan l’kaf z’chus – to judge everyone positively. However, favorable judgment by an onlooker does not diminish the error made by a person who misuses objects of kedushah, (holiness), such as a man who wears tallis and tfillin when he attends to everyday, common activities.

   Whether marriage or friendship, the key to any relationship is giving without the thought of receiving back. The same holds true with Ahavas Yisrael. If you want to feel loved by your fellow Jews, you have to it give to them. The thought may occur to you, what if they don’t give back to me? Give to them anyway and Hashem will reward you in return. There are so many Jews out there waiting for someone to give them love in the simplest form.

During the Passover Seder, one of Rabbi Akiva Eiger’s guests accidentally spilled some wine on the tablecloth. Perceiving his guest’s embarrassment, Rabbi Akiva Eiger discreetly shook the table so that his cup of wine also tumbled over. “It looks like something must be wrong with the table. It’s not standing properly,” Rabbi Eiger explained.[36]

Rabbi Yechuzkail Levenstein explains true chessed toward ones fellow, “A person who has a love for wealth will persistently look for ways to obtain more money. So, too, when you acquire the trait of loving to do chessed, you will look for every possible occasion to do chessed. Even though other people could do the same acts of kindness, knowing that you personally gain when you do chessed, and therefore you will want to do all you possibly can for others. “Be concerned about the welfare of others even when they do not look for you to assist them. Be motivated to do chessed because of an inner desire to help others. “Likewise, loving to do chessed means you will not find fault with the potential recipient of the chessed. Since you recognize it is your own need and desire to do acts of kindness, you will not be concerned about whether the person could have done something for himself. Your love of chessed gives you an gratitude for each opportunity to do an act of kindness.”[37]     

Reb Shlomo Carlebach once said, “Often, I mention holy beggars, but people ask me, who, mamish is really a holy beggar? Open your hearts my most beautiful chaverim. A holy beggar is someone who is begging you to allow him to give!” If your ears are not open to the cries of the poor, then your ears are deaf and you will not be able to hear Hashem calling either.” Reb Shlomo was one of the most famous singers in Jewish history, making thousands of dollars per concert. When he died, he was penniless. They even had to collect to pay his funeral expenses. His entire life was devoted to the people and he gave all his money away.”

Peace is among the highest of qualities; it is one of the names of Hashem. Whenever you find peace, fear of Heaven is found; where there is no peace, there is no fear of Heaven.”[38] Each person who loves peace and pursues it will merit and witness the coming of Moshiach, who, at his arrival, will initiate first with peace, as it is written: “How comely upon the mountains are the feet of the herald, announcing peace!”[39] Our sages of blessed memory, declared, “There isn’t any vessel for holding blessings but peace, as it is written: ’Hashem will give strength to His people and Hashem will bless His people with peace.[40]’ ”[41]

Through practicing what you have learned in Kavanos Halev, you will come to peace. With Hashem’s help, you should be able to pursue a peace between yourself, your fellow man and Hashem. For it is through the power of peace that the world endures.[42]

I believe that you can fulfill all of your goals and desires to serve Hashem properly. After all, “The thing is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart to do it.”[43] All of the mussar sefarim are useless unless you want to implement true change in yourself. Few are man’s days under the sun. The time is now, with love.

Tefilah Ahavas Yisrael

   Rebbono Shel Olom, no being can ever comprehend the chessed You do for Your creations every moment. I am just one of the many whom You have treated with an enormous amount of mercy. For this, I am truly grateful.

   I want to imitate this midah of kindliness that you possess, Hashem, to the best of my ability. I want performance of chessed to be a natural part of my being, that I do so without even thinking. Not only this, Hashem, but I want to literally crave doing mitzvos of this kind.  

   Master of the World, let me not fall into the trap of judging others negatively, whether it be my spouse, friend or a stranger. Help me to see only the good in others. Help me to see the subtle contrasts, not just in black and white. All Jews are important and there is a spark of holiness in each and every one of us. Please open my eyes and heart to this.

Thank you, once again Hashem for encouraging us to love our fellow man. There is nothing in the world more important to me then to serve You righteously. Even though I am not worthy, You have treated me with so much love and understanding.